It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have lost at all..

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
----
I believe that's true, not just that, i believe in it in an even greater sense. I ask myself a question, " Should anything that enriches you, be considered a loss at anypoint of time? " I know I can't reason that, only that it was good. I can't deny I expected it to be more, much, much more than what it was eventually, compared to that expectation it maybe a loss, but in true sense it wasn't, I gained a lot. Furthermore, calling it my expectation would be wrong, for I hadn't advanced to that, it was a wish, a very strong and hearty wish.
Now, that sounds convincing, even to me. So I wonder, shouldn't I be happy? Many voices say yes at the same time.. no effect. I wonder if I or anyone should be sad? And then the voices cry out.. But again in vain. I feel demotivated, sick, empty and void and I can't overcome it, 'cause there's nothing to help me with that, 'cause I don't want to get over it. I kind of have started getting used to the pain, and another change is undesirable, not so early. I am lost and I can't face the world right now so I am in favour of staying at this lost space, alone, free, and empty, this emptiness though, it's actually so full, so huge, so predominant it makes everything so difficult. But one thing I know, and I've known this forever, I, like every other individual need to believe in something, which would define me, and for me that belief is goodness, and whatever happens I won't let that change. Though many things have changed, actually the things haven't changed my point of view has changed, but this belief in goodness I will try my best not to let it be affected. For that I won't hold any ill feelings, any remorse, any regret. I will see positive, and with time I hope my attitude changes likewise. That will be good for people around me, and in itself this can be a very strong motivation, specially for the kind of person I am. I may have already started to look forward, at the same time my conscience, my soul will make me glance back at all times. Am glad :-)

Scatter, O' light petals

O' vivid petals, some crushed some sweet,
Delicate as snow on a winter street;

Scatter, and I wish you travel wide,
And rest upon thorns by your side,
'Cause with them will you be truly appreciated;
For who will you more strongly desire,
Than the one whose conditions are dire.

Scatter, and I hope you rest to peace,
Within yourself and bring the same apiece,
'Cause that's why you exist to be, but no that's no end;
For you have to bloom again,
And bring sunshine for those in the rain.

Scatter, and may you forever fly,
With new wings that will soon come by,
'Cause you will be a flower again;
For you will have petals of your own,
To carry the fragrance I wished upon.

In thoughts, we fall in love..

She is cute! Oh.. and he is handsome. Ok, they look smart. So? nothing odd about it right? Many people are smart, and surely many of them must look happy at the same time too.
Wow! there's a cushion seat over there. 4 hour class.. that's the only seat meant for me! "You two wanna sit in the front? Well but I think I'd be more comfortable here."
What! *sigh* there they go, they had to take a seat just behind those two smart people. And now they call me.. Can't you see that there's only one chair left beside you in the row, the one behind the chair the girl is seated on. "I am staying here only."

Did i get scared to go there? Scared why? I mean scared ! Ok, by now I do have started doubting that the guy and girl are together, maybe that will make me sick to sit just behind them, behind the girl that too. But still Scared! No way. I'm not scared!


These people they always delay things. Here am stuck alone with nothing to do. I should move ahead, not behind the couple but surely I can move to the row behind my friends, that way i can also sleep over his shoulders if I want to!
"Hey guys! I came here. It's boring unless they start. I shall play games 'till they do."

This is annoying, you got to be perfect here now!
Yippie! that's one more gold! I wasn't expecting this, not when am not focusing solely on the game.
The couple.. what's so different about them!
GREAT! that's what happens when you are not concentrating.
"Hey, by mistake I reset the game. Now I'll have to start over again! The tracks and cars, all locked."
Afresh now!


The girl keeps looking at the guy in between. That's sweet.
At times even the guy looks at her. Even when they are not talking.
Now they are talking. Discussing rather? Why should I bother! I might reset the game again.

The class' gonna start. Thankfully I kept the notebook at the last moment, this is not just another lame doubt class.

Both of them surely are happy. Surely they are more than just friends or batch mates.
They talk in between for a while.
Regular. Maybe they are discussing what's being taught. But they were talking even before the class got started.

What's this?! How can they seem so carefree and be in such a light mood that I can make out!
They are happy! Maybe they got together recently.. 1 minute, 1 minute, got together recently hmm? Now that's another thought! That should explain why they look so carefree.
But aren't they supposed to be batch mates. In case they are, they are supposed to be in there last years too, slim chances they got together recently. So they have been so happy and all during all this time? I won't believe that!
Why won't I believe that? I don't know yet.

Maybe they are in true love, and this is how it must be, being like these even after a couple of years.
What if they were to separate for some reason? No no .. Please let them be together! God please
This is what sickens me now. I feel terrible, no, sad, not terrible now, so that's another sign of weakness of feelings. Maybe I was not true, I only felt a little better than normal being together. Also now I feel only a little sad, so what if I felt terrible before. I must have got it wrong! I should listen to the lecture!

So does that mean this particular couple will be happy for the years to come. Ok not a life time, say 10? How am I supposed to believe that? I still can't!!
And if they separate, I wish they never do, but suppose someone else, some other couple like this were to separate, would they feel terrible all the rest of their life? Ok not life so take 10 years again. I got over pretty soon compared to that!
Why can't I figure this out.


"This teacher is cool man!" They agree too. Good so it's not that I'm specially bad in the subject cause of which I felt so.

Wait a minute! It was not just a few months for me either. It has been 3 years almost. Not exactly together but well both of us at the same place. That makes you used to it right? So you are not supposed to feel special pleasure when you got together. I did feel special though. So maybe it takes a couple of years for things to start feeling normal again. I hope this couple gets more time than that.
Oh..that was the first time I actually supported the idea of getting together for others too. Before this I had always thought of them as fools or jerks as the cases most commonly are. That makes me happy too. Study!


Isn't it like a constant difference thing? Say you make a scale and mark 5 divisons; very happy, happy, normal, sad, very sad. We are comparing the effects now. Take this couple who are happy now, if they separate they would be sad or very sad. Now take an eledrly couple than this, going by logic they would have started feeling normal about being together for so long, and now if they were to separate they would surely be more sad than this couple, so lets rate that as very sad, and for this couple sad. We see there's a difference of 2. That fits in.
So that means if you are very happy being together you will only be normal if u separate? Strange! Maybe this is not true. But you can't be very happy for a long time after getting together. Perhaps only at the initial stage, and if you were to separate you would soon get over things. PERFECT now!


I hope this class helps my understanding of the subject. I desperately need it.

The girl looks fed up of the lecture now. Wasn't she supposed to be happy? Happier than me? I can still bear the lecture! I mean I've just started to wear out. Just started! Oh and by the way isn't fed up a phrasal verb? That's what the teacher just told right? Yes.
So why did the girl get fed up before me? I know am not a nerd! It's cause I wasn't actually listening sincerely *grin*. Also I'm supposed to have gotten used to lectures by now. Maybe the girl doesn't attend all the lectures in the college like I do. Very few people do.

Finally a break! Cool! Move out.. move out. "How long is this break gonna be?" 10 minutes would be fine.

Back!
So the couple isn't seated at the previous seat now!
Hmm.. looks like they are not attending the class now, or maybe I can't see them from here.
They are not in the class. Cool! Study now!

Class over. I'm lost! Again!!



P.S. In thoughts, we break up!

One reason I decided upon writing a blog was to move a particular post to a more secure location. I don't know why am I still trying to reason out why I got started! Well anyways, had to say something *grins* .

Scatter

Done! It wasn't easy though, honestly!
Took me a long time, and a great deal of thinking to finally decide upon getting started. Glad now :)